I’m kinda at a loss for words right now. For the first time in a really long time, I’ve been pushed to admit things about myself in my relationship that I’ve been unhappy and un-proud to admit. About how manipulative I can be - how unbiased I was about it too.
Today, Nate and I were approved to live in an apartment in Downtown LA. My dream and goal ultimately realized after years of struggling. I think some heavy things had to happen for me to rise up and get my shit together.
I’m nervous because I’ve never lived with anyone before, and he’s not perfect. But I’m not perfect either. I don’t know how dysfunctional I am yet and I ‘m working on so many things, including my sudden impact of my assault when I was kid - I never realized how far deep down I buried that memory. It ruined and rotted me out.
I was in a really really dark heavy place all these years and I’m slowing down, by running as fast as I can from all the same shit I do. Doing the opposite to get ahead… maybe I’ll find a pattern and attempt to fuck it up - but right now I’m bewildered.
I’m fucking happy. Non medication, pure, fucking excited happy.
You guys I haven’t felt like this in a really really long time.