I’m kinda at a loss for words right now. For the first time in a really long time, I’ve been pushed to admit things about myself in my relationship that I’ve been unhappy and un-proud to admit. About how manipulative I can be - how unbiased I was about it too.
Today, Nate and I were approved to live in an apartment in Downtown LA. My dream and goal ultimately realized after years of struggling. I think some heavy things had to happen for me to rise up and get my shit together.
I’m nervous because I’ve never lived with anyone before, and he’s not perfect. But I’m not perfect either. I don’t know how dysfunctional I am yet and I ‘m working on so many things, including my sudden impact of my assault when I was kid - I never realized how far deep down I buried that memory. It ruined and rotted me out.
I was in a really really dark heavy place all these years and I’m slowing down, by running as fast as I can from all the same shit I do. Doing the opposite to get ahead… maybe I’ll find a pattern and attempt to fuck it up - but right now I’m bewildered.
I’m fucking happy. Non medication, pure, fucking excited happy.
You guys I haven’t felt like this in a really really long time.
when we were in middle school this little shit dick told his friends he thought i was ugly but he recently found me on instagram, hmu to hang out sometime, and DMed me to ask for my number like did u think i forgot??? u diss me when i’m at my lil kim and u wanna come and play nice when i’m at my nicki?? DISMISS URSELF
Story of Tony’s life - except he drove 200 miles to get ignored at the Cha Cha lounge.
“You can’t find intimacy—you can’t find home—when you’re always hiding behind masks. Intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability. It requires a certain level of you exposing your fragmented, contradictory self to someone else. You running the risk of having your core self rejected and hurt and misunderstood.”—Junot Díaz (via redfantasma)
I make him out to be an asshole because that’s what I can gain sympathy points with, but I’m just as bad.
It’s scary to know that I’ve met someone who can deal with my crazy shit and still stick around for the end result. I’m not sure how much more I can test myself and my own limits with this. I’m confused on how toxic this is, or if this is me trying to writhe my way into ruining this dudes life.
A few of my friends don’t approve - but the ones who’ve seen me at the good place in this have hope that this will work out. It’s weird to know that even when you’re single shit sucks, and when you’re with someone it still sucks. He’s made such a huge change in the last few days, I’m so fucking proud - but at the same time, I haven’t changed for shit. I preach and don’t complete.
“I recommend her to you, not as her husband, but as an admirer of her work: sour and tender, as hard as steel, and as delicate and refined as the wings of a butterfly, adorable as a beautiful smile, and deep and cruel like the bitterness of life.”—Diego Rivera described Frida Kahlo in a note to Sam A. Lewiston, an American film critic. (via scatteredaesthetics)